And in that moment, I swear we were infinite.

I was the perfect epitome of someone who was a dense idiot, if not dimwitted, when my teacher asked us a question. It made me ponder upon my existence and everything. I was on the verge of exasperation because I really cannot find an answer at the moment.

What was the reason for my living, anyway?

Once, I considered myself jealous of a friend. For all he owns and does right now, he can do everything he wants and manipulate every single detail that gets in his way. Whatever I can think of out of this just adds to my list of frustrations. If I were like him and to be him, I wouldn't have to be a loser, right? I wouldn't be the second place every time we have to be together. That means I won't have to live to be his shadow all over again.

Ever since then, my life changed.

I want to be a hero. I want to be a doctor. I really want to wear the lab gown and hold scalpels, and save the day by saving my patient. This does not involve being a president-country and hero-freedom relationship, but I really want to be (my apologies for being one of the egotistical persons you meet) prominent in others' eyes. I want them to smile at me when we meet again and remember how I changed them in a way they won't forget. I want to touch others' lives; at the same time touch mine.

The Eiffel Tower. New York City. Australia. I want to travel and experience new things. I want to have lots of tickets to fly to other countries, that's why I study. To get money for those luxuries, and to somehow escape problems (I was futuristic when I say problems.)

Someday, I know I will find that special woman, and together we will take all the odds behind. We will control the world, and will light the world with our love. We will have kids that do not color black pens, but a rainbow. We'll make sure we do the right thing. We'll hold on to each other when that's all we've got. We will love each other, and we will die together. Our coffins would be side by side. Together.

For all I know, these are main objectives of people. I am one of those people, and we strive for it.

When you want to eat already, but your mom forbids you to unless you finish your homework, isn't that motivating you to work harder to reach for your prize? Perhaps, this is somewhat the most superficial yet simplest paradigm of why people continue living. Why they need to get up every morning and be the energetic person they have to be, to repeat the cycle of life all over again... despite its confrontations.

And for someone like me, I haven't really found my real purpose in life yet. Maybe if I spoke too soon, God will change it and if I will not do anything, God will change it again. But there's this dream... even more than what I have said before... being a doctor, going to France, having kids and even surpassing the guy I envied more than anyone, I really want to feel happy. Infinite.

I'm not some kind of bullied malnourished child. I am not saying I don't find peace here. But every person, I believe, has to feel infinite. To feel extremely loved in their own way. To make that happen means to inspire other people, and with that he is loved.

That's my point all along, I guess. Many times have I been trying to touch someone's heart, and constantly failing, but I will not stop. To feel infinite is to feel that I have accomplished something that even I will not believe I did that. I want to be that. I want to have best friends, because from what I have observed, and what I read from The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Charlie achieved his "infinite point" by having friends that made him like that. When I have best friends, I wouldn't have to think my purpose, because I can seize the day.

Maybe it's not like that, huh? Maybe because I want best friends because movies and tips say you can directly tell your best friend what you want to say. I thought being straightforward is enough, but some other people don't realize why I say those things.

And I just realized now that what bothers me most is not the guy I envied most, but my own insecurities. Once I learn to believe in myself, I won't have to think of that anymore.

I may have gotten too far from the topic if someone would read this, but I might as well go to the bottom line. See, I may have a lot of dreams and a lot of wants, but that is life itself. To have goals for us to keep on walking. And to continue living means to continue hoping, that one day, we'll have our own saving grace. I may climb too many mountains and swim an ocean, but I have my friends and family for that. And it's still a long way to go. It takes a lifetime for us to reach the end of our purpose, you know.

And it does not end there.

Slumdog Millionaire; because I cannot get it off my head.

The title summarizes it. I love this movie; how it has gotten into my mind and heart last June 19, night, after watching it, and how it's still here, motivating me. Inspiring me. And this is one of my favorite movies. Forever.

After all the breakthroughs, I really love to watch a movie that would make me unwind. About all things I can't get off my head. One thing I like about yesterday night is not only the new country I have visited, but I also got to know Jamal, whom I consider one of the greatest fictional character made (or maybe he isn't fictional at all. Maybe this movie really showed its mirror by filming this, maybe India is like this). What else am I talking about, it's Slumdog Millionaire, baby.

Up until now, I cannot forget how his life revolved from taking chances with a slight confidence that maybe, he was right; to the gambling moments where he is torn already: he doesn't own any good luck at all.

Maybe everyone already knows about his life (considering the movie was a candidate for 10 nominations and won 8 of those!) but, I might as well tell you for the sake of yours truly.

Jamal Malik was in Who Wants to be a Millionaire, playing for nothing but to let himself see Latika. Later on he had flashbacks of his own life...http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Slumdog_millionaire (and you thought I'd waste my time if there's internet.) I just hope the net won't get screwed by the time I get old and wanted to read this.

Jamal, the man who won her girl and from the cliffhangers (leaving the train station with the girl), the man who won 20, 000, 000 rupees and who was admired by everyone, faced life's confrontations. He faced it with his full strength. And he took it seriously; not just a game.

I believe life is not just a game; not some Who Wants to be a Millionaire or any other kind of gamble. If I don't take life seriously; who would for me? I am responsible for life myself; and Jamal found his purpose, I guess. Now it's my turn.

Classes on June 6!

After a couple of months doing things I cannot tell if wrong or right, finally we're going back to school! I'm so excited. And just the thought of riding in our old red service van gives me the thrill! I miss those, although it's been a short time since then.

I've already accomplished some given home works, and prepared well my school things. Although I haven't put names on my notebooks and books. And it's a tough task. I can't get my hands off the keyboard and on the papers.

And oh, I bought new shoes, too, because my old shoes just got busted... long before. Just saying.

Still hoping my junior life would be cool. I mean, it started right... mischief managed, and I hope it will never repeat.

A day to remember; a mark to start moving and change things.

What seemed to be so unrealistic and impractical can never be questioned if they came to have an impact in someone’s life, in the strangest situations. Today, June 4, 2011, tears flowed as a new-born baby (yesterday, yes it was) turned cold and departed, of a friend's mother was interred. I was one of the few obvious people who cried, or to subtract some bitterness, shed a tear.